6 Exclusive London Property Developments You Haven’t Heard About

For most young Londoners home ownership is a panglossian fantasy beyond their wildest means, so here are some invented availabilities of both limited time and use

Shoe Zone, Penge, SE20 (£585,000)

In August 2020 the directors of Shoe Zone Retail Limited declared to Companies House that they had closed sixteen of their favourite nationwide stores, alongside their fully-deserved collective bonuses for sustaining one of our country’s most imperial moments in low-cost footwear.

With night bus attacks at a 16-year low, Penge is gaining a new reputation as a cheekier Muswell Hill of the south by exploiting unexpected residential developments. SE20’s store has not only a history of providing steady footfall for nearly two generations, but now an ideal destination for a debonair dinner party in a space once occupied by racks upon racks of demented SpongeBob SquarePants slippers.

The Rhombus, Shoreditch, EC2A (£3,100,000)

Honouring a masterpiece of Euclidean geometry, Breeks & Badger Associates are proud to present this pioneering exploration into rhomboid living theory. Faithful to an architectural manifesto based on Four Corners, The Rhombus offers the perfect environment for concentrating, leisuring, congregating or contemplating our ultimately shared existential finger trap.

Be reminded of the location’s transport history by waking up in one of the bustling railside apartments, or maybe just meditate peacefully safe from Liverpool Street’s influx of Friday night excitement and authentic Hogarthian squalor.

Loft Apartments, HMP Gravesend DA11

What remains of this still-operating Victorian prison in Kent is Category B, Grade II-listed and highly desirable in an up-and-coming enclave a stone’s throw away from Gravesend’s transport links, just 59 minutes or so from London.

Previously outsourced from the government to a justice subsidiary of a French frozen foods company, developers have seized upon this opportunity to revive the original architect’s vision of economical and confined living. Young professionals can expect a cosmopolitan set of neighbours from across the country attracted by its gated community feel.

Millennial Wharf, Deptford Banksworks (£975,000)

What was once a rustic set of disused motor repair garages on the southern shore of the Thames is now a thriving hub of artisan businesses and curiously vacant studio apartments that make up Deptford Banksworks.

The unique history of the garages is being revived and a close-knit network of Help To Buyers, Shared Owners and overseas investors are invited to explore a pop-up Memory Exhibition curated by former mechanics, motorists and the original wave of entrepreneurs with their often-married former clients.

Westway Media Village, Shepherd’s Bush W12 (£759,999)

As you recline in your mid-century orb chair flicking through an interior design periodical, you may wonder to yourself how the television studios where Mr Blobby once humped Noel Edmonds on the bonnet of a Rolls Royce ever gained Listed status.

The former televisual pantheon has for a decade now shifted from producing light entertainment for captive, analogue audiences to make way for a speculative vision of high-rise, minimalist living. The Stage Door residents’ bar boasts complimentary USB ports so ergonomically satisfying security has been heightened to prevent rising cases of indecent use from unauthorised guests.

Royal Eltham Mews, SE9 (£595,000)

Move over Crouch Hill, stand aside Walthamstow. To play with the last remaining piles of London Brick the capital’s trendiest toddlers are heading to Zone 4. A silent majority of Edwardian housing stock is being seized-upon by bargain-bouj young families, whilst a fitful Farmer’s Market scene means yesterday’s hipsters can romp about with such organic abandon it would make William Morris’s baby plums blush.

For fine dining, The English Defence League’s stranglehold on the southeast’s carvery booking systems has long since yielded, whilst the last remaining St George’s flags you’ll see are likely to denote Trust-maintained English Heritage sites.

The South East London College of Arts & Communication: 11 Short Stories is out now: https://amzn.to/2FdAxlh

Tall tales | The South East London College of Arts & Communication: 11 Short Stories is out now: https://amzn.to/2FdAxlh

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