After subversively rude waiting staff followed Blockbusters and Alcotraz onto Manchester’s fantasy bar scene, here are six more that fortunately won’t exist in the UK this year.
Guess Who? Northern Quarter, Manchester
A themed-brewery experience based on the accusatory tabletop favourite, patrons input their drinks order anonymously to the booking system before the beleaguered bar staff try to identify them through a meticulous process of eliminatory profiling.
Frustrating bar waiting times and allegations of staff micro-aggression hampered opening night, whilst an entirely innocent drinker with prescription lenses and bespoke facial hair was assaulted on the accusation he was spying on behalf of Big Beer.
The Food Bank Croydon
A spectacularly misjudged poverty-themed bar intended to entice Croydon’s new Bohemian fringe by serving food and drink in infuriatingly smug little tins. It has instead attracted criticism, projectiles and an understandably popular firebombing during its first week of opening.
Expect impossible burgers made from unwittingly donated ingredients, and unforgivable £15 cocktail sours composed of diced fruit and alcohol recovered from house clearances of the deceased.
The Brittas Empire Roundhay, Leeds
A bucket list item for fans of 90s sitcoms that slightly outstayed their welcome, the fictional Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre has been recreated in painstaking detail for the plentysomething gastropub lot.
Unfortunately, the lookalike characters were not quite canon enough to pass as recognisable, meaning some mistaken diners had completed a three-course meal at a nearby swimming pool before realising those towelling off in close proximity were not trained actors.
Conquers Deansgate, Manchester
An upmarket re-imagining of the competitive playground game of genus Aesculus, more commonly known as Conkers. The venue offers several ‘house roasts’ including Ohio Buckeye, Japanese Horsechestnut and Castanea Sativa for adult players committed enough to distinguish between identical-looking breeds.
The flagship Deansgate venue is available to hire for extraordinarily drawn-out office socials, and has already locked horns with Mancunian paramedics after an exhibitionist accounts manager half-ate an improvised ‘conker sandwich’ at an unforgettable leaving party.
The Munich Dining Hall Experience Alderley Edge, Cheshire
A taste of the Teutonic comes to a glam pocket of Cheshire where a new weekend experience offers diners a unique Führer-side seat to the ill-fated 1938 peace agreement. Guests can sample an authentic Bavarian menu whilst actors performing as Chamberlain, Mussolini et al. thrash out terms over entrées.
Some group bookings however have been temporarily suspended after reports of inebriated guests constantly harassing ‘Hitler’, resulting in recruitment problems and the role being perpetually advertised in performing arts trade magazines.
Fight Club Behind Moor Street Station, Birmingham
It’s skin-on-fries meets skin-on-skin where it appears all that Birmingham City Council licensing requires is an ambient tub of hotdogs and an Ikea Frakta bag of mixed cans before battle can commence.
Creatine-crazed gymfluencers clash with the biggest beefcakes in retail right underneath the Bullring lights, with the only barriers to entry are the ones separating you and the platform home.