7 New Cryptocurrencies You Need to be Watching in 2021

Disclosure: I believe I own some Bitcoins that are trapped inside a hard drive, potentially in one of the lockers at Deptford Wavelengths swimming baths. If you can find it the password is ₿assword1234.

Euphorium

The handiwork of a Russian teenage whizkid who has since been unofficially backed by the Kremlin with a series of megafarms in the server-friendly temperatures of Siberia, and a skeleton key to the Moscow State Library’s largest collection of vintage ladies’ underwear catalogues.

The groundbreaking decentralised currency has helped foster an exciting new era of asset hoarding, cutting out middle-man financial institutions and built upon a blockchain of mutually-assured trust and transparency, the kind of which has been a hallmark of Russian international relations for years.

Tulip

A blossoming currency from a wildcard Dutch entrepreneur that crypto vloggers are predicting for a limitless rise, with a small futures investment or ‘bulb’ forecast to be worth ten times the average US annual salary by 2024.

A large bouquet of electronic Tulips were first used to purchase a single puff of a Tetrahydrocannabinol-encrypted marijuana pipe in 2014; seven years on and the subsequent anxiety-induced mania is currently valued at over €4,300,000.

Nitware

The Nitware coin is a ‘benign’ virus that has greedily infected crypto trading since 2017, programmed to mimic the reproductive behaviour of head lice by forking a new ‘host’ blockchain every time there is a transaction.

The resulting market volatility has led to the Microsoft Security Essentials team combing through exchanges looking for the virus signature; an ‘Invalid Nonce’ error code that has caused spectacular misunderstandings at senior shareholder meetings throughout the City of London.

Pieces of Eight

Launched by the Scandinavian pirate utopians who created the Torrtuga peer-to-peer file-sharing software in 2003, made famous for transferring anything from an illegal .mp3 of by 50 Cent’s Wanksta, to a zipped up mystery hamper of copyrighted Californian pornography.

Built to incentivise use of their torrenting software, pirate traders can haul real time booty such as enhanced download speeds for a 4k quality file of Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw, including bonus EPK interview material with Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, erroneously watermarked for awards season consideration.

Doomcoin

Doomcoin is a volatile cryptocurrency and a token of voluntary asset destruction, and in effect used as the market’s primary hedge against itself.

‘Doomers’ purchasing coins originally did so to wipe out the value of their fiat currency, as Doomcoin operates simply as a black hole for capital; proudly boasting zero returns to purchasers. Known for YouTube prank forfeits and executive divorcees deleting spousal assets, high profile cases have inadvertently raised the price of Doomcoin and stimulated a subsequent debate about a potentially promising investment.

Schrödinger’s Shilling

A quantum currency with a mystery value, and one that is potentially both soaring and tanking at the same time, proving to be catnip to the most adrenaline-clucking crypto gambler.

Inspired by the eponymous Austrian physicist’s abusive experiment on his aloof pet feline, Schrödinger’s blockchain is the ultimate Pass the Parcel; with fortunes won and lost in an instant with the crowdfunded parent organisation’s decentralised algorithm randomising funds on a daily basis.

Incognitium

Ostensibly a stablecoin tethered to the price of the US dollar, Incognitium has been accused of being blatant spyware courtesy of the US Treasury, built to catch everything from personal payee addresses to sanction-dodging, multimillion-dollar oil transactions amongst online Ayatollahs.

The brainchild of the FinCEN bureau, data is openly shared with the FBI causing paranoid trading floors and one 17-year old Call of Duty fan’s door to be kicked in for buying a mango from a potentially radicalised in-game bazaari.

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