Disclosure: I believe I own some Bitcoins that are trapped inside a hard drive, potentially in one of the lockers at Deptford Wavelengths swimming baths. If you can find it the password is ₿assword1234.

Euphorium

The handiwork of a Russian teenage whizkid who has since been unofficially backed by the Kremlin with a series of megafarms in the server-friendly temperatures of Siberia, and a skeleton key to the Moscow State Library’s largest collection of vintage ladies’ underwear catalogues.

The groundbreaking decentralised currency has helped foster an exciting new era of asset hoarding, cutting out middle-man financial institutions and built upon…

A selection of fictional streaming projects currently rudderless in development hell, that if aren’t being made now, they certainly never will be.

Horn Park

Steamy period drama concerning the labyrinthine romantic dilemmas of Kent’s Eltham Palace estate. It’s the night of the grand debutant ball, with the suave Duke of Eastbourne sizing up the curiously unbetrothed Ms Pillowsworth for a carefully well-paced 120 minutes of relentless, indelicate shagging.

Drawing upon a sea of jealously-kept analytics, Netflix tailored the most optimised scripted content according to peak lonely behaviours of locked down audiences, with the algorithm flawlessly recreating the rakish Regency period…

A now-you-know list of Tech Fictionᵀᴹ’s hottest Britfirms currently producing the blue chip designer applets that made London’s ‘Silicon Carwash’ the top European unicorn paddock in 2020.

Khazee

After one ladle of fruit punch too many, West London reggae boys Barty and Giles had a familiar call of nature during Notting Hill’s annual Caribbean street food conference… and hit upon a multimillion pound app idea that has 15 million downloads already.

Discovering the carnival’s woeful record for above board toileting, Khazee’s current directors reached the conclusion that any domestic bathroom in the W11 postcode should be fair game when it…

For most young Londoners home ownership is a panglossian fantasy beyond their wildest means, so here are some invented availabilities of both limited time and use

Shoe Zone, Penge, SE20 (£585,000)

In August 2020 the directors of Shoe Zone Retail Limited declared to Companies House that they had closed sixteen of their favourite nationwide stores, alongside their fully-deserved collective bonuses for sustaining one of our country’s most imperial moments in low-cost footwear.

With night bus attacks at a 16-year low, Penge is gaining a new reputation as a cheekier Muswell Hill of the south by exploiting unexpected residential developments. SE20’s…

In solidarity with our unfairly beleaguered events and hospitality industry, here’s 7 famous UK venues that never existed in the first place, let alone in 2020.

Lambeth Empire, South London

Originally the Ground Zero of Music Hall where a young Charlie Chaplin allegedly cut his teeth selling peanuts, the Empire found a new lease of life decades later as the go-to for an apocalyptic night out at the end of the century. …

Illustrated by Elliott Dobbs

I’ve broken three little fingers, fractured two wrists, and probably — if I was to unarchive all of my hand therapy correspondence with Lewisham Hospital since 2011– accrued an additional five breaks across the totality of my handspan. The extra little finger — alright — was not mine. It belonged to Atletico Sadkid’s apoplectic goalie who not only always wore buyonegetonefree frames on pitch — a red flag if you’re browsing five-a-side goalkeepers for a rebuild — but permanently reduced Sondico junior gloves without the appropriate adult finger protection. We were six-nil up, and so, as…

A former member asks if you can accurately predict the yearly aspirations of marketing’s holy grail; the 18–34 demographic.

Ages 18–34. Online’s sacred turf; the key temporal demo. Their targeted, tailored attention spans have had competing content curators clambering over one another ever upscreen — hoping they’ll build them in decades of future clicks and reflexive, lucrative micro moments. But young eyeballs tend not to skew loyally — as the analytics go — and they’ll move on indifferently to the next platform — the bigger package and the greater freedoms, the next onemonthfreetrial along the line.

How do you get…

I’m standing in an empty parking space at a Kent retail park, when Paul Lake tells me this was the exact spot he realised how to become a millionaire. I ask him if he was sitting in his car when it happened.

‘In the Eighties all this was industrial space. Here’s my studio…’

He starts jumping up and down with his arms raised, stretching out his fingers. ‘It was on the first floor, about here,’ he says, chopping the air with his hand.

It’s a beautiful warm evening and Paul is in his mid-fifties, sweating through a flaking biker jacket…

‘Yous all had a party and not told me?’

Phillip Jerome had cycled straight to work from a meeting. It was already 10.45am and the admissions desk of The South East London College of Art and Communication was directing its traffic; administrators incorrectly processed applications, invoices were sent on their various adventures, and emails chimed into inboxes from irate lecturers chasing late payments. It wasn’t really a meeting; he had stayed at his girlfriend’s — a twenty-three year old textiles student called Candida — and had sweated out all the old sex and Casillero del Diablo bombing down from Hoxton…

The Jolly Tapster, Camden

Lonely Planet revellers may want to duck their head in the Jolly Tapster to catch where Britpop legends Dodgy and Babybird had their famous 90s shoving match. The tourist trap however still retains a little of its charm and boasts some of the stickiest surfaces anywhere in clubland.

The Botany Room, Soho

Any 1950s flaneur worth his oyster grit would be locked in the Botany until well past his bedtime before commuting back in from St John’s Wood to do it all again the next day. Provided you’ve sworn your way past the awfully butch door…

Patrick McKemey

Tall tales | The South East London College of Arts & Communication: 11 Short Stories is out now: https://amzn.to/2FdAxlh

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